CREATING EMOTIONAL HEALTH IN MARRIAGE
According to Manslow’s hierarchy there are nine top emotional needs that every human being needs in order to manage life well.
The top nine are, security, volition, attention, emotional connection, connection to the community, privacy, a sense of status, a sense of achievement, and meaning.
If we are low in any of these areas we can become depressed, have anxiety, possible turn to abusive and destructive behaviours and even have strong addictions.
The beautiful thing that My husband and I have had the benefit of living out is that we have found that in relationship you can create peace, joy, and fulfilment in all of these. You just have to know how to do it.
If you are feeling run down and thin in your emotional health here are some ideas that can help create stability and the most effective route back to a beautiful romantic relationship and good mental health.
If you find your need for security isn’t being fully met, make a list to show your significant other what is making your feel insecure. As a team identify action steps you can take to change that. Perhaps you would feel more secure if you equipped your home with burglar alarms or found a solid consistent babysitter for you children. If you need to feel your relationship is more secure, ask why you are feeling fearful that it is not. See if you can create a foundation of security in your relationship for the other person. The reminder that you are for them and always have their back is a comforting reminder to give each other regularly.
Have a frank conversation with your partner about where you need to have more control or clearer boundaries. Do you need to create boundaries with extended family or with screen time? Do you need to have greater control over bedtime routines and date nights? It’s time to be lovingly assertive about this. Lovingly being the key. If you are more of a peacemaker being assertive can be scary. It can seem confrontational to do this. however, it is more of a discussion if you remember to do it in love. If you are more aggressive the “loving part” can be a reminder to be gracious and gently in your deliver.
Prioritize quality time with your spouse. And your friends! So often we make it a priority of one or the other of these but you need both for healthy balance. Realizing that your spouse can not meet all of your needs is crucial to emotional health but it is also crucial that they do not take a back seat to friendships and social situations either. Set aside time for it in your calendar. Just because we have these special people in our lives doesn’t mean we are meeting their needs for attention or that they are meeting ours. It takes an alluring effort. I tend to personally see saw in this department a great deal. I have to make a conscious effort to ensure I am reaching out correctly and evenly in this area. I know the busier my schedule gets the less focused I am of meeting this need for others.
4. Emotional connection:
Make it a priority to make couple friends. Creating a circle where you both have connections can be a bigger ordeal to under take than first looking at it. This one idea however, deepens your relationship in ways you can’t even imagine. You are creating bonds together as you also create bonds outwardly.
What kinds of people do you want to bond with? For us our favorite people are diverse, joy filled, go getter’s and readers. They are health activists, travelers, and Jesus followers. They also prioritize their marriages. Hunt these people down and be diligent in finding your group. Make time for it. Doing life in circles is so beneficial! This is essential nourishment for your emotional well-being.
5. Connection to the wider community:
Arrange a regular coffee/Bible group in your home. Can you mentor someone, volunteer for less fortunate, give into an organization that speaks to your soul? Can you check in on an elderly neighbor, mow a disabled persons yard, read a book to kids at your local school area? Being active in your community and world creates the bigger picture and is crucial to your emotional well-being. For my husband and I, we have even gone a step further by doing these things together.
Block out an hour a day, for you. Take a walk, read a book, get in a bubble bath. Mentally refreshing from everything in this world of hustle and business is even greater demand in our emotional wellbeing than 50 years ago. Pace as evolved and so this need as become a top one for most people because there is so much lack for it. If you are using your time to scroll social feeds you’re not giving yourself privacy because you are still engaging in the outside word. They say that the more sensitive you are the more time you need to fully digest the overstimulation of the modern world. mothers and fathers of toddlers and young children are probably the most deficient in this area, because there is very little if any privacy at these stages of parenting.
7. A sense of status:
Where do you see yourself when it comes to your marriage? Are you the first person your spouse goes to or does she call her sister first? Can you be the go-to guy for specific information and a listening ear? Perhaps you can be the captain of a group in your profession or lead the way when it comes to connecting to the wider world. Can the two of you be an inspiration for someone else? What kind of status is your marriage in? Where do you want it to be?
8. A sense of our own competence and achievements:
Make a list of all your achievements—awards, qualifications, languages, promotions, , losing weight, physical therapy after a sports injury, delivering new life into the world, or even all the rough periods you’ve survived as a couple. Remind each other of the skills and strengths that you have. What more can you achieve as team? What new goal can you set? What is the five-year plan?
You can choose to find meaning in anything or choose feelings of apathy. You can feel the pleasure of a cup of warm coffee in your hand or sand between your toes or a giggle from your spouse. These moments are as meaningful as you want them to be. But in order to see the you must choose to see them and give them the noted attention that is due to them.
As humans, we seek these nine emotional needs as much as we seek water and light. Instead of pointing the finger at our upbringing or spending hours analyzing every quirk our spouse has, we can now ask a more valid questions: Which of the emotional needs am I not meeting? What emotional need am I lowest in?